I’m still here!
Well, I’m in North Carolina. I have been wanting / longing to work on the site and update some posts as well as create new ones. Some of the problem stems from the fact that I don’t have a decent laptop / computer out here to do that sort of work. The screen resolution required for my website is rather large, and the laptops that I have been using are a whopping 1024×768. That is totally a 1st world problem it seems, as for years and years I was perfectly happy to have 1024×768 or 1280×1024 resolution. Now aspect ratios have undergone major changes as time has marched on and my requirements as such have changed. There isn’t a simple way to make this site work on older computers and still look good on new computers, so I’m going to stick with the look I’ve got now.
I have been here working really hard, trying to come up with the money for a new laptop, parts to continue the Corrado, all the while the Camry that I drove out here needs all four tires, a timing belt, and trans service, spark plugs, and a new EGR.. I haven’t been able to edit video at all here on the road and that has been a bit of a disappointing time for me. Actually, I haven’t been able to do anything really. I brought my Thinkpad X32 frankenstein laptop with full intent to work on my electronics projects whilst I’m out here, but that has not worked out well at all for me either. Since breaking the laptop the day before leaving to come out here the screen missing the right side has cost me even more precious realestate on my 1024×768 display. I brought a 1.5GHz core solo laptop that has been even worse. Since it utilizes only 768MB of RAM, linux will not work with more than a couple things open. I never thought about that being an issue, but it has been a big one. I was offered a Macbook pro retina with a few upgrades for $1500 and it has taken me more than 4 weeks worth of work save up for it. WTF. It should not take a skilled person that long to come up with the money for such devices. Granted, I make more here than I have in 2013-2014, but a full days work still doesn’t even buy me a fluke multimeter. If I have to work 40+ hours a week and only have the means just to survive, I’m a very unhappy person. Not being able to purchase the tools or parts to achieve my goals causes a great amount of anxiety for me. I thought the whole point the modern age was to make it so we didn’t have to spend day in and day out foraging and busting our asses just to barely survive.
Don’t get me wrong, I love to work hard, and am fully capable of it. Isn’t it depressing to go do the same thing everyday that you don’t really want to do, come home exhausted and go back and do the same thing again? I do love what I do here, but it’s still not enough. Will it ever be? Will I ever create the opportunity for myself to finish my Corrado before the parts disappear or become too expensive? Will I ever get the proper tools I need to be able to properly challenge myself? Will restitution be paid in full before I die? I want to finish the Van and Corrado so bad. Why? Because I want to build a car from scratch, and possibly sell them. I figured working with someone who has the means might provide me some insight and understanding into how I can procure resources for myself. The thing is, I don’t have the means to start with. I dont have anything.
If I gave up, sold the Corrado, the van, and drove a mildly shitbox car like everyone else, went to work and shoveled someone else’s shit for 8 hours a day which would barely be enough for a mortgage payment what would that get me? Security for my future? Is anyone who goes to work, barely gets by, and has a mortgage out on a house that will take them 15+ years to pay for secure? It’s an illusion, or maybe I’m wrong? I have grown tired and frustrated, my dreams have become a carrot on the end of a stick right in front of my face, and I’m fast losing motivation that they will ever be accomplished. I didn’t want to spend my whole life just trying to complete one car, or paying off a house. I am capable and need to be challenged to such a higher extent.
I guess it’s all materialistic things, and I shouldn’t care about that. At the end of the day, I should be happy that I have my health. Maybe I should just sit on my ass, eat food, and play games and watch TV. That seems to please everyone else, and it’s relatively inexpensive. Why couldn’t I be that easily entertained?
I have given a month of my life, for gas, groceries, and a piece of equipment that will only be good for probably 5 years at the most. Month of my life that doesn’t contribute to solidifying the foreseeable future. What if I saved all the money I earned? Would that really make a difference? In 10 years sure, but there is no guarantee I will be around in 10 years, let alone tomorrow. I could probably save up enough money to start a business in 10 years, but in that time someone somewhere might see that money sitting in my account, and figure out a way to tax me on it, or take it for that restitution I owe. I’m at a loss for what to do.
I’m betting most people who read this would say what I spend my money on is rather trivial. I almost feel like when I’m in an interview for a job I should lie and just say I have a mortgage and two kids to feed, and that’d somehow add to the wages amount I’m assigned. It’s really stupid that I feel this way, and I feel that this problem extends far beyond me. Growing up I missed out on so much opportunity for learning and gaining an early grasp on the real world simply because our family didn’t have the means to afford it, yet on the flip side of the coin there are heroin addict sons asking their well off parents for thousands of dollars that would be pissed away on more drugs, at least for a few times they’ll receive it.
Why do I do this stuff? What is it all for? Will I ever make it? Why is it often that there are people who are very unintelligent yet fortunate enough to be able to do whatever they want? I don’t want a handout, I want a real chance at using my skills for real financial gain.
I guess this is where it helps to have heart. I’ve had my Corrado for more than 10 years, and have been trying to build it the way it is now for close to or at least 5.
The portfolio of the modifications of that car landed me a first job at 17, at a race shop. 3 People a week stopped by with resumes, far more experienced, and older. I was the one that got the call. That was the car that taught me everything I know about cars, it was the car that was my saving grace from getting into additional trouble from my teenage boredom. When I drive it, I’m taken to a special place where I can think and sort out the deepest of issues. My serenity. Finally, as time marches on, it also becomes a reminder of what it was like to be young. I always felt if I finished it, it’d grab the attention of the right person, and I could set myself up for life. After being screwed over time and time again, I wonder if I’ll ever get that chance.
Either way, if you’re reading this, you’ll get to ride along. I’d tell you the final destination might be hell, but then I had an epiphany, I’m already in it. Welcome to modern society. Let’s see if I can make some lemonade. Somehow, I still feel it’s better than drinking the kool aid.